Top 10 Worst Dates (#9)

    Alcoholism is a serious problem in our society.  I have seen it first hand in a family member, lots of it in my ex-husband’s family, and see the effects of it in the hospital all the time.  I guess that is my disclosure before I start this tale of woe.  I am not picking at the alcoholics – just bad dates.

    So I met this guy on line…yep, it’s always a risk.  But, we talked for a few days, he seemed like a nice guy and I had nothing better to do that night, so I agreed to meet him at a local restaurant.  I had decided that when meeting someone for the first time, it’d be best to just meet them there in an effort to maintain as much control over my safety as I could.  Turns out it was a good idea.

    I sat at the bar waiting on him to arrive.  I admit that I typically arrived early just so I could scope the best spot, stalk the door visually, and get the initial reactions out of the way without worrying about my facial expression giving me away.  So I watched and waited while having a DosEquis Amber.

    The guy arrived about 15 minutes later than he said he would, but I am not the time police and had already met a couple at the bar and was sharing a few laughs with them.  They knew I was meeting a blind date and were equally as anxious to see him as I.  So let me give you the description I was given online:

    Caucasian male, 30something, 6’0, 185lbs, green eyes, brown hair, goatee, single.

    Now let me tell you what walked in the door:

    Caucasian male, 30something, 5’7, 125lbs (soaking wet), couldn’t see the eyes past the shrubs that were growing over the tops of them (his eye brows), no hair, mustache, and more than likely very single.

    Though I love to look at a beautiful specimen of a male, I have never really been one who judged someone on looks.  My ex-husband was very attractive, but not so much on the inside.  So even though I knew he’d completely lied about what he looked like, I honestly didn’t mind that much.  Would I had been sitting there if he had told the truth?  Yes.  I liked dating, and knew I didn’t have to marry everyone I dated.  Getting to know people is a great time!

    We met, hugged (and at 5’10, I had to almost stoop down for the hug), and sat to have dinner.  We ordered our food:  My order:  Some kind of chicken/pasta dish with a glass of wine.  His order:  The cholesterol special with gravy and an iced tea.  Iced tea.  Hmmm…okay, whatever floats your boat.

    I knew instantly that as a romantic interest, this would never work, but he had a nice smile and was pleasant.  I never tried to lead anyone on, but always tried to be polite in delivery.  For some reason, I didn’t feel the need to point out to him that I wouldn’t be going on a second date with him, but I’d consider going fishing on a Saturday afternoon with him or something…who knows.  I listened to him talk about his job, his new truck, his mother (ugh – why does a guy think I would care about his mom on the first date?), and jokes.  I was fairly certain that my facial expressions and body language would make it clear to him that romance wasn’t in the air.  I have a terrible trait:  I cannot lie without being overtly obvious.  My face tells you exactly how I am feeling, even when I try to turn it off!  I can’t stand it…but it does keep me honest.  There was something I was picking up on him…I think it was a huge scent of insecurity.  I didn’t see the need to add to it, so I was polite.  I didn’t feel the need to hasten the date just because there were no sparks – I enjoyed having the company and didn’t have any other plans that night.

    Dinner was over, and I ordered an Irish coffee.  I hadn’t had one in a very long time and I don’t think I have had one since.  I asked him if he was going to have a drink.  “I don’t drink.”  <Red flag>  When someone says, “I don’t drink,” the second half of the sentence is far more important than the first.  Example, “I don’t drink because I am counting carbs.”  Ah, good – health is important.  “I don’t drink because last time I did, I woke up in a strange bathtub with a Mike Tyson tatoo on my face.”  Ha ha!  He’s fun and has obviously had crazy experiences in which he learned from – cool.  “I don’t drink because it’s against my religion.”  How nice – the man has integrity and honors his beliefs – good for him.

    Now try this one.  “I don’t drink because I was a serious alcoholic and have now had 3 DWIs.”  Uhm…no real justification.  DWI?  Okay, you live and learn. TWO of them?  Less okay, but maybe a slow learner.  THREE DWIs?  You’re an idiot that is gambling with your life and the lives of others.

    These encounters suck the most.  What was I supposed to respond with?  “Oh, that’s okay – I read somewhere that the 3rd time is a charm.”  How about, “Wow!  You truly have no self control…why didn’t they lock you up longer?”  Or even, “Uhm…so do you have a driver’s license?”  I didn’t go with any of those – and I could feel may face muscles working against my nerves.  You see, my nerves were sending signals to my face muscles to NOT twitch, NOT frown, and for the brow NOT to furrow.  My muscles laughed at my nerves as they cringed, crinkled, and took a life of their own.  Foiled again!

    I wasn’t sure what to say, but I think his nerves took over and he began to speak at a speed that only squirrels on crack could understand – it was incredibly fast and high pitched.  I think he was trying to justify his situation, but I am not sure I heard one word.  I let him finish, and attempted to change the subject.  The next words that fell out of my mouth were incredibly stupid.

    “So, now you can’t drink, don’t drink, or wish you could drink?”  ~Sigh~  Woman, shut up.  Why couldn’t I have asked about the weather?

    He went on a 10 minute monologue about how he got to where he was, but the only thing I heard was the silence at the end.

    I responded with, “Oh.”  Wow look at the time…it’s late.  I am always in bed by 9pm on a Friday night.  LOL  Nah, he’d never buy it.  Instead, we sat in the awkward silence.  Finally, he said, “Well, I have to work tomorrow, so I should probably head out.  Did you want to come over for a while?”  Uhm…let me think.

    “No thanks, I don’t go to a guy’s house on a first date, it sends the wrong message.”  It didn’t matter what I said, I knew everything he saw on me was contradicting my words.  He walked me to my car like a gentleman would, and I thought that was a kind gesture.  All the way up to the hug where he tried to either kiss me or swallow my head – I wasn’t really sure which, but man, I was happy to be 3 inches taller and have about a 3 inch reach on him.  Ha!  Denied!

    He said, “Oh, you want to see my truck I was telling you about?”  Ugh.  NO.  I have seen a million white Dodge pick up trucks with “really cool rims.”  Let’s see, I towered him.  I got a personal admission of his addiction and his run-in with the law.  I shut him down on a kiss/hug good night.  If I didn’t go look at the truck, I wouldn’t be able to sleep thinking I hurt someone’s feelings – so yes, I went to look at the white Dodge truck.

    Guess what this truck looked like?  I was amazed and shocked – it looked just like any other white Dodge pick up with over-sized rims.  Ugh.  Oh, but the interior was very unique.  The guy showed me his awesome blow hole.  Okay, that’s probably not what it’s really called, but it’s a device that was near the steering column of the truck.  He has to blow into the device, which measures his BAC.  If it detects alcohol, the truck will not start.  Uhm… okay.

    We said our goodbyes, and I walked back to my car knowing that I wouldn’t see him again.  I take solice in knowing I paid for my own dinner/drinks.  I asked the waiter to split the tab.  The date looked shocked and kept insisting that he’d pay.  No way.  The way I see it, if I pay, I don’t feel guilty for taking the free meal even though I know this was never going anywhere.

    So was it THAT bad?  I guess it could have been considerably worse, but it was very uncomfortable.  If you have to blow-start your car, you probably shouldn’t make it a bragging right.  If you get a DWI, it’s an indication that you need to recognize improvement is needed in the self-control aspect of life.  If you are 5’7 and 125lbs, you will not grow 3 inches and gain 60 pounds by Friday night.  Oh, and if you do online dating regardless of your gender, ask for a RECENT picture.  If you don’t see a smile, ask for a smiling picture – if you constantly get denied, they either have no teeth or are hiding a train wreck.  A man’s stated height is 1-3 inches shorter than stated, and his weight is 20 pounds less.  A woman’s stated height is often 1-3 inches taller than accurate and weight is 20 pounds more.  LOL  I love the silliness of it all.  What is the point in landing the date and then showing up only to disappoint.  You are you – own it.  🙂

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