Now Who’s the Boob?

    Breasts can be a woman’s occupational hazard.  Sometimes, I see the women in the National Geographic magazine and think that our super advanced western civilization seriously missed the mark in the ta-ta management department.

    Most women today are a product of conditioning, I am not different.  We have been taught what is considered beautiful and attractive and worse, what defines unattractive and unwanted.  It has gotten so bad that even the women and teen magazines are regurgitating the dribble to our own women.  That is somewhat of a conundrum when magazines, which claim to be designed by women for women, are actually precipitating and encouraging the values of a highly narcissistic male perspective of attractive.  According to these publications, a woman’s breast should never drop below her 4th rib, and both should be symmetrical, dense, and remain in the exact same position laying down as when standing up.  And, because most breasts do not fit into this category, a man was generous enough to invent the bra (oh thank you Henry Lesher).  At least we left the initial design that was originally made of metal.  For the record, the guy who brought us those ever comfortable panty hose was Allen Gant.  I bet they were neighbors and conspired in these absolutely comfortable and helpful undergarments.

    Anyway, we had advanced a long way since those days of wearing metal and strapping ourselves into garments that limited rib movement.  I wonder if women didn’t talk much because it was a social faux pas or because they simply had to reserve their oxygen for surviving their undergarment for any length of time.  Now days, we have it far better.  Now we can wear underwires instead of an entire metal contraption.  Phew, I don’t know about you ladies, but I for one am so happy by the great news!  Oh, it gets better.   We can now find bras to fix whatever issue you can think of!  Are you boobs not big enough to be attractive?  Ah, well, meet the miracle bra (thank you Victoria – although I am not sure it’s all that big of a secret anymore).  Are you boobs not quit symmetrical?  You can fix that with almost any bra insert, and don’t worry, you’ll get used to that thick rubbery piece of plastic rubbing against your skin that is already under stress from the wire you get to wear around your torso all day – so suck it up buttercup)!  Of course, you can spring the extra cash on your deformity by purchasing bras that are far more elaborate, such as the Marena Mastectomy Bra (it comes with loops and adjustable straps for your comfort).  Are you breasts too large?  Perhaps you should check into the full coverage bra.  It provides coverage for that fat tissue that inevitably works its way over the top of the smaller, prettier bras.  They offer superior coverage, and nothing screams sexy like having coverage that goes from your  5th rib to your nose.  Trust me it’s doable, but you might want to reconsider the plunging neckline.  Are your boobs too big and upright and not mobile enough?  No, they aren’t, so sit down and zip it.

    Not much for wearing an erector set under your shirt?  Well, there are other options.  Let me introduce you to a concept called plastic surgery.  Is it expensive?  Well, only if you want it done right and safely (and remember, you get what you pay for in this world).  Is it safe?  Nope.  Can you plan to breastfeed your children after your delightful new boobies land you that awesome man?  Eh, it’s a 50/50 shot, but hey, is it not worth it?  Can it cause long term effects?  Well, that depends on the what your definition of “long term effects” means (stolen from Clinton).  Well yes, it most certainly can, but it’s worth it so that you can feel pretty like your other girlfriends and people will stop judging you by your cup size, or was that just you?    Long term effects can include severe infection resulting in a mastectomy, destruction of milk glands, chest wall deformity, delayed wound healing, extrusion (where the skin gets destroyed and you can eventually see your own implant – which might could be kind of fun, no?), hematoma, toxic shock syndrome (and you thought that was just due to tampons, huh), necrosis (your skin dies, turns black, and becomes highly infectious), and ptosis.  What’s ptosis?  Ptosis is the reason you made the decision to get the implant in the first place – it’s the effects of normal aging, pregnancy, and weight changes that cause the breast to sag.  Actually, after implants, you can look forward to throwing the dice about once every 10 years or so – you have to keep those girls perky, and that means doing the surgery a few times in your life to keep that pesky aging skin at bay and avoiding the girls from dropping to the next rib.  That’d be terrible.

    There’s far more than just that, but those are the more common ones.  But hey, isn’t it worth it?  Isn’t your health worth looking like the mold of perfection?  Absolutely!  So when your awesome man buys you a new pair, be sure you collect enough cash for 3 more surgeries (plus the cost of inflation) before you get your new set installed.  Otherwise, if you don’t work out, you’re going to be footing that bill again all by yourself.

    Okay, yes, I am being super critical, I know.  But look, if a woman wants implants, go for it.  Honestly, that’s a very personal choice and if it makes a woman (or a man) happy, then by all means, you should live the way you want to live.  Heck, I will stand with you and hold your hand while you moan in pain for those first few weeks.  But, then what?  Where do you draw the line?  What about the bump in your nose?  Your belly?  Your thighs?  Are you going to have perky books at 60 years old while your neck skin hangs like a turkey waddle and your crow’s- feet sprout wings and a tail?  It’s a huge generalization to say this, but I am going to throw it out there – typically women who are so displeased with their breasts (and are healthy, and not burdened by their breasts) can also have an assortment of other psychological issues.  It may actually have nothing to do with the breast, but more to do with how she sees herself.  After the surgery, it’s common that women will come back to make them bigger or to surgically change another part of their body – and can become a vicious cycle.  Obviously this doesn’t apply to every woman, and every woman is unique and has very unique needs and concerns.  Again, it’s just a general observation.

    Look, here’s the bottom line.  In reality, without augmentation and the expensive bras, breast tissue is amazing in and of itself.  It is also susceptible to infections, atypical cell growth, and cancers because of the unique physiology it possesses.  Here’s a fact as well; all skin loses elasticity as we age, and that includes breast skin.  Breasts that have fed babies are actually at a far less risk for cancer than someone who has never even had a baby, yet alone breastfed.

    I get wanting to look fabulous, we all want to be considered attractive and pretty, and by every right, it’s your body and you can do as you please, and I hope that any woman gets the results she is after.  And I am sure responses will strongly defend their actions, but the defenses would be in vain.  I am not ridiculing anyone’s decisions.  Just recognize the big picture before you do something drastic.  I firmly believe you have to genuinely love yourself first, because if you can’t, then there is no amount of plastic surgery that can truly fix your problem.  Fix your perceptions first, and then alter as you see fit.

    Oh, and sports bras should either be redesigned or renamed.  “Mono-breaster” would be a more accurate name. Why do all our bras we have available to us offer a million options, but the sports bra only has two real options.

    Option one, you can wear it to workout (a real workout, not a “go post at the gym” kind of workout), and it will support you as well as any wet t-shirt would.  It will not hide the pointing factor, but it provide evidence that you took the time to attempt at least look like you tried to tie the puppies down.

    Option two, you can put on the excessively tight, thick spandex like material and magically reduce your two breasts into one.  Some even offer a bonus feature of bringing your nipples within 3 centimeters of each other.  The best feature is that it will also reduce your breast size by 3 cup sizes and challenge your heart to pump hard enough to still be able to get blood flow to your breast tissue.  Sometimes just putting one of these on will burn 300 calories, which reduces your required workout time.

    Your body is on loan for a short time, and one day, you will return it.  Be good to it so that it last you a full lifetime.  Lord knows we have enough in our environment that raises our risk for cancer, heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure, and countless infections and viruses.  If you can’t value yourself, no one will, even with big wonderful boobies.

    I salute you, Mr. Lesher, and those like you, for your intelligent design.  You have saved millions of American woman from stepping on their own breasts in their old age, thus reducing hip fractures.  Here’s to you!  Thanks for keeping the girls off the floor!  I had a girlfriend who once said, “My breasts look like baseballs in tube socks.”  I asked her, “Are you going to be a boob job?”  She replied, “What for?  I’ve already got married and had my kids.”  I love her, and if you think about her answer, you’d see how she is absolutely perfect in spite of (and not despite) of her tube-sock boobies.