Finding Mr. Right in a Sea of Mr. Right Nows

    Well, to clarify all myths once and for all, yes, the perfect man DOES exist.  Also contrary to popular belief, your perfect man is single.  So for all you single ladies that are searching for the opportunity to change your Facebook status to “in a relationship,” start rejoicing.  I am going to tell you exactly how to find your perfect man.

    Step 1:  The List You Carry

    If you are a single woman of legal drinking age, I know you have it.  You carry it with you every day and you never leave the house without it.  You even revisit it at least once a week to review, reassess, and rewrite it.  I am talking about your list of qualities you are seeking in a man.  The obvious qualities (not being an axe wielding maniac for example) do not even need to be on your list.  If they are, scratch it out with a red marker because we do not need to add common sense items to a list.  It would be like a grocery list containing the address of the grocery store you go to every week and instructions on how to park your car.  These things are obvious, so don’t waste mental time on them.  That brings you to the about 3 really important attributes you should have I mind.  THREE.  Not three-hundred.  It can be any 3 you value most; a certain race, a certain religion, a particular height, employment, sense of humor, or health status.  You pick the top 3 most valuable to you (not your BFF or your mother) and put them on your list.  No more, no less.  This instantly weeds out the guys you would NEVER consider anything long term with, but leaves the possibilities open to new attributes you might come to appreciate.  So, do you have your top 3?  Awesome.  There’s benefit to leaving some elements of surprise so stop trying to pigeon hole every guy you meet.  Have you ever told someone exactly what you wanted for Christmas?  I mean you got very specific, “I want the model 11975-01 5’3”, Medium-Heavy fast action Loomis GL2 Casting Rod with 10-17lb line weight and ¼-3/4 oz lure weight for $185 that you can get at Bass Pro-Shops.”  Then, you get your gift, you open it, and it’s exactly what you wanted.  But something is missing – that element of surprise is not there.  And what’s worse, maybe you use it, and realize it’s not what you thought it would be.  There’s something to not getting everything exactly as ordered with a relationship- it’s those little idiosyncrasies that can really make the relationship sizzle! So, do you and your future Mr. Right a favor; ditch the list and remake a new one with the 3 most highly important criteria (they should be bullet points, not paragraphs).

    Step 3:  Put down Glamour and Redbook

    Yes, Angelina Jolie is gorgeous.  Megan Foxx is sexy.  Guess what?  Chances are, you look like neither of them.  As a matter of fact, Angelina and Megan don’t look like them either without a barrage of hair and make-up artists, gaffers, Photoshop, and excellent photographers.  You aren’t them, so stop trying to be.  That’s not to say don’t groom yourself, we all appreciate you wearing deodorant, washing your hair and keeping it neat, and trying to be the prettiest you want to be.  If you think you are beautiful in a ponytail and no make-up, then work it!  If you need to apply layers of make-up, lipstick, and get the grey covered every couple of weeks, go for it.  Primp, dress, and style in the way that you feel your best.  Because here’s the bottom line: if you feel comfortable and sexy while you run around most of the time in a ponytail with no make-up and in gym clothes, then that’s your comfort zone and where you feel sexy.  The perfect guy is going to see you as sexy, too.  Will ALL guys find it sexy?  Nope.  But, you aren’t trying to date “all guys” are you?  I hope not.  If you want the perfect guy who will think you are absolutely sexy all the time, then the one you want is the one who finds your ponytail and gym clothes totally hot!  You may be the one who feels absolutely sexy when you spend 3 hours in the bathroom primping and making sure your purse matches your belt and shoes, and loves spending 3 hours and hundreds of dollars every other week getting your hair and nails done.  If you are that woman, then own it and embrace it, because your perfect guy is going to think that sort of upkeep is absolutely sexy!  The problem is when we much prefer ponytails and t-shirts and think we look pretty cute like that, but we become overly worried that “men” find it off-putting and masculine so we become much higher maintenance than we want to be or can afford to be.  We do it because we convince ourselves if we want the perfect guy, then we have to look a certain way (which is usually just like all other women).  So, if you are chiseling off your make-up at the end of the night and high-lighting your hair while your cat starves in an effort to meet Mr. Right, you are wasting your time and all you are going to find is Mr. Right Now.  Because once you actually hook up with Mr. Right Now, he will eventually see the real you, and that is not the person he was initially attracted to when you first met.  Then, somehow you will make it his fault that the relationship didn’t pan out.  Sexy is inside every one of us, and we know when we are feeling sexy and looking good.  Set the bait by being you at your individual best, and the right fight fish will come biting.

    Step 3:  Don’t Be the Square Peg

    We all have different hobbies.  Some people love to sit around and play aps on the IPhone and are quite good at Temple Run.  Some of us love camping and fishing.  Still, others really love skydiving and having a cold beer and a foot-long chili cheese dog.  Some women are all about taking the stilettos out for a night of dancing at the best night club in town.  Regardless of what brings your mojo out, don’t stop having your brand of fun.  Some men are absolutely turned on by a woman who will jump out of a plane with a group of 16 people and turn 15 points before breaking and finish off the skydive with a super-cool swoop of the pond.  Other guys would truly second guess the mental capacity of any woman willing to take on such a risky sport and might even see her as psychologically disturbed.  Some guys won’t touch a fish and would never want to take you out for a day of deep sea fishing.  Too many times a woman will sacrifice what she enjoys to better fit the guy’s criteria for fear of rejection, or she wants to make him think she is utterly unique in his vast dating pool because she just adores stamp collecting as much as he does.  (Yes, you have done it before – don’t deny it).  A guy might really love racing and be part of a pit crew. You, on the other hand, may view racing as a waste of fossil fuel and believe that only rednecks and hillbillies enjoy car racing.  But Lord help you because eventually you will say, “Oh yes, I just love racing” (while praying the discussion will not veer into too many details about racing when your racing knowledge is limited to the fact that you only know they do use cars in these races, right?)  It was a harmless white lie.  I mean, he now believes you two share something of interest with each other, which is what you wanted him to believe.  You had hoped it’d solidify the relationship a little more.  You start imagining your Sunday evenings sitting in front of the TV watching the 3 hour long NASCAR race and cringe while secretly being disappointed that the race interrupted the Simpson’s again this week.  But, you still hold out for hope that the “race thing” will never rear its ugly head again.  Inevitably, he will say at some point in the dating process, “Have I got a surprise for YOU!?  We are doing the Snowflake race in Pensacola in one month and I am taking you with me!  Ta Dah!”  You put on your best surprised face, and after dinner, you go home and Google this “Snowflake race in Pensacola” to find out it’s a freaking car race.  I mean, you totally said you love racing, too, and now he thinks he is making you incredibly happy by offering you the privilege to enjoy your favorite past time right there in person with him!  Lucky you!  The moral of the story is don’t try to force a square peg into the round hole.  Besides, you don’t have to have the exact same passions to make a relationship work.  You could go do your brand of fun while he does his over the weekend and meet up later  to make up for lost time!  Don’t be something you aren’t, you will never be happy and he will not be happy either.  Mr. Perfect will either share the same passion you have for watching the Cooking Network at 3am, or he will respect it enough to not let it be a big obstacle.

     

    Step 4:  Value the Values

    Do you remember your mother reminding you that you don’t have marry every boy you date?  Guess what?  She is right.  Firm foundations for relationships are critical.  You cannot build anything lasting on shifting sands.  Set boundaries for yourself, and respect yourself first.  Compromise is important in some aspects, but some things cannot ever be compromised if you are being honest with yourself.   If you are in looking for Mr. Right (and not Mr. Right Now), it is critical he knows your values within a short amount of time.  That’s not to say that on your first date, you start listing your core values for him to agree or disagree with – not unless you want that date to be the last one.  Even Mr. Right doesn’t want to hear your demands early in the dating process.  But, eventually, it will come up, and you’d better be prepared to be honest.  You have to know and love yourself enough to not surrender on these items.  Your religion and his religion need to be of the kind that can blend (a Jehovah Witness and a Orthodox Jew would have a huge struggle for example).  If you do not believe in physical intimacy before marriage, then he will be on board and respect it (of course, at some point it’s likely he’d need to be reminded).  Mr. Right’s values will line up pretty close with yours, otherwise, you’ve got another Mr. Right Now.

     

    Step 5: False Positives

    You have to know yourself and be true to yourself.  Sometimes, that isn’t as easy as it may seem (especially for women because we are very deep thinkers when it comes to matters like these).  You are who you are, and you want what you want.  The idea of misrepresenting your looks, your thoughts, your desires, and even your weight to the masses is not a novel concept.  It’s actually the source of many great punch lines and dating horror stories.  A woman who weights 190lbs and is 5’6 might recognize that these stats vary greatly from the stereotypical idea of beauty.  She could then create a profile on a dating site and claim she is 5’8 and weighs 120lbs in hopes of at least drumming up a computer chat that might eventually lead to a real date.  Unfortunately, she is destined to meet Mr. Right Now (probably as many as she would want to meet).  And worse, during that date, she’s going to feel awkward because she knows she misrepresented herself and has to face the guy she lied to, and he will be disappointed because he envisioned someone who looked more like his ideal type.  Had she posted accurate stats, it is a safe bet that the chat lines wouldn’t crash from the overload of traffic it would receive, but even if she got 2 conversations from it, they have a far better chance of being more meaningful.

    But being true to yourself isn’t limited to online dating or posting stats and pics.  Being true to yourself means actually knowing what want in life and not being ashamed of it.  Many women want to be a housewife, have children, and be the one who has supper on the table at 6pm every day for her husband.  Some women want a stay at home man to tend to her children while she works.  Some women want a married man.  Some women desire a guy with 100 tattoos and piercings who tips the scale at 500lbs and has a beard that any bird would love to call home.  We envision our ideal lives, and if it goes against the social norms, we suppress it and try to convince ourselves we want what the media and society says we should want.   Thus begins a pointless internal struggle that can exist consciously or unconsciously.  It’s the biggest mistake any of us can make.  Two things will make your search for Mr. Right so much easier:  One, know what you want and be honest with others about what you want.  By doing this, you won’t have to weed through countless dates or become frustrated and actually think Mr. Right doesn’t exist.  It’s like fishing, if you want to particular fish, you have to use the right bait.  If you want YOUR Mr. Right, then you have to be honest and set the hook with the real you.

    Step 6:  Be in the Right Place at the Right Time

    The internet is probably the largest pond in which to fish.  It’s convenient, easy, and it has been proclaimed that one can be more direct and uninhibited because of the anonymity that exists with internet dating sites.  Then why are there not more success stories with online dating?  I met my husband on the internet, and I did take advantage of being honest, direct, and clearly stated what I wanted along with what someone may expect from me.  I found it frustrating because others do not seem to be so big on the honesty factor.  But, inevitably, I did find my husband and our first date was sparks and fireworks.  I feel pretty fortunate to have found such an awesome guy out of a practically endless source like the internet.  Don’t post your high school picture from 20 years ago!  Put on what you love to wear and feel sexy in and snap off a few pictures for your profile.  It could be yoga pants and t-shirt, lingerie, the latest fashions, pony tails, no make-up, or whatever you rock best.  That way, what he sees is what he will get and you will be under no amount of pressure to impress.

    But, there are other places (not just bars either).  Look where you play.  If you fish, see what you can find at the beach or lake.  If you skydive, start mingling with other skydivers.  If you attend church, maybe look for a singles group.  If you like to play Sudoku, play it online in a chat line.  If you collect stamps, keep your eyes peeled at the next convention.  If you are a redneck, plan on attending the next family reunion.  We often overlook these places for various reasons, but there is no reason to rule them out.

     

    Step 7:  Other Important Things to Keep in Mind

    We are attract like minds.  If you are into the latest fashion and have perfect hair (in person, in your heart, or on your profile), be prepared to attract a guy who feels the same way and values that same image.  What you are giving off is what you will likely be given in return.

    Honesty is always the best policy, but forced disclosures are often unwelcomed, as is going out on the town for the first time with the Gestapo as your date.  On-line dating has its benefits in that you can get all the disclosures up front (depending on what they are willing to share).  If you had the opportunity to do a chat online before meeting in person, you can get a little more disclosure, but be respectful.  Any woman who has ever done online dating can vouch that many times, they have been asked for their bra size.  It is seriously a bad sign of a superficial stereotypical guy online.  The ability to block those guys is a blessing in those situations.  There are certain things that are just not a man’s business.  Bra sizes, children’s ages and genders, sexual history, and specifics about where you live are all rather personal and shouldn’t be disclosed online.

    But ladies, you are guilty of it, too.  Regardless of how noble you think your intentions are, there are some questions that are out of bounds on a first chat or first date.  Asking specific questions about income, employment history, housing status (rent/own), sexual history, how he feels about having children or being a father figure to your children…these types of questions will send him running from the keyboard or the date (and you should question any man’s purpose if he does answer those questions in a first encounter).  It’s none of your business!  You can’t justify it to him online or even on a first date by saying how you have to protect your kids or how you are trying to avoid wasting your time with someone who beneath your status.  If you don’t want to be defined by your income, your bra size, or your sexual preferences, then don’t assume it’s okay for you to do it to him.  Kudos to you for knowing what you want, and what’s most important to you, but pushing it comes off as desperate and needy.  This is why it is critical to be happy with yourself, your lot in life, and to be true to yourself.  If you have those things, then you are simply looking to complement your life with great company and partnership.  If you don’t have those things, then you are hoping to fill a void, find a co-dependent relationship, or seeking affection for the wrong reasons.

    So, to find Mr. Right, have your more important “3 criteria” clearly defined in your mind and be open to other attributes.  How he hangs the toilet paper is really not a big deal in the general scheme of things.  Stop trying to cram yourself into the mold of beauty.  Be thankful for you, because you were made perfectly, and Mr. Right is going to love it.  Don’t try to be anything more than you.  Trying to adapt and mold yourself into every guy’s ideal woman is going to be exhausting, make you feel unworthy, and you will eventually lose who you are all together.  The idea is that Mr. Right will be enamored by you and what you do.  Hold onto your principles firmly because they can be pushed, pulled, stepped on, and rolled over once taking a drive down the dating path.  These are the core of who you are, and they are non-negotiable. If you are trying your hand at online dating, keep your personal information under wraps but be honest with physical attributes and mental capacities.  Yes, you will endure dry spells, but it’s quality over quantity when searching for Mr. Right.  Promote yourself in the places that you feel most comfortable.  If you don’t like drinking, then don’t be scanning the bars.  If you don’t do church, then stay out of the single’s group Sunday School.  Not only does it prevent you dates that will be let-downs, but it also opens the doors for people that actually enjoy that element to find a love connection.  And finally, don’t chase away Mr. Right by being overzealous and so goal oriented that you forget to enjoy the GUY behind the answers.

    Mr. Right is the guy who can value you, find you sexy, and thinks you are amazing for being YOU.  The take home point is this:  Be you and stop being someone you think you want to be or should be.  We attract like-minded guys, and if you are being a fake, pretentious woman, be prepared to get it in return.  Be genuine, be comfortable in your own skin, and be happy with where you are in life.  If you can’t be genuine, comfortable, or happy with your life then there is no man on the planet that is going to be able to give you what you want.   Get right with yourself.  You shouldn’t be searching for your other half, you should already be whole.