You’ve been single for a while. You’ve been looking high and low for THE one. You ask your friends, family and coworkers if they know of anyone. Heck, you’ve even gone so far as to try internet dating sites. After many failed attempts to find someone you click with, eventually you come to accept the hard truth: You’re single and it seems no one you are interested in is interested in you. You have all but given up, and then it happens! Finally you meet someone worth talking to. You meet someone that makes you feel something you have never felt. You meet an excellent companion. Now… you have a girlfriend/boyfriend. You are finally dating someone and enjoying the life you have started. It’s been weeks since you have even seen any of your friends because you are spending all your time falling in love.
Then one day you are logged into your favorite social networking site and BAM! Your messenger pops up and it’s a person you don’t know really well, but have accepted into your circle of friends. This person is now telling you how much they have loved you from afar, how great you look, how smart you are and how, if given the opportunity, it could be them making you so happy. You are totally caught off guard but very flattered and now have to politely tell the person you aren’t interested and that’s that. Sadly this could run the risk of losing a valued friendship.
That evening you make a trip to the grocery store and as you’re checking out the produce a very attractive person strikes up a conversation with you and you soon pick up on the fact that this gorgeous person is actually flirting with you! This sort of thing has never happened before! You make a smooth getaway, but your ego is definitely swelling.
That night, you’re on the verge of falling asleep and the text messages start on your phone. It’s your ex telling you all the things you always wanted to hear. Saying how you were always right, and you are the perfect person and they want you back and it was all their fault and you are the love of their life and will do whatever it takes to win back your heart…blah, blah, blah.
Now you’re asking yourself, “What is happening here?” It seems as soon as you are off the market the people start coming out of the woodwork and you are wondering….What makes the unavailable person attractive? What makes us fall for the person who is no longer single?
I know that I have been in a situation where I thought, “Now that my boyfriend is not single, every woman wants him?” On the flip-side I have also been in the spot where I wondered, “Now that I’m no longer single, I’m suddenly attractive??”
I have a few theories, but first, let’s break this down into 3 categories of people.
- People you’ve just met – Strangers
- People that you already know. Generally coworkers, friends, acquaintances. People that have had no romantic interest in you prior to this time.
- People you know that you’ve attempted to date previously
Now my theories on why people like you once you are dating someone.
Theory 1 (for people you’ve just met….basically strangers): Pheromones
I think that once you start having regular intimate nights of what you consider intercourse, your body releases Pheromones or musk (?) of a certain type that make you more sexually attractive. You also have more confidence and no longer appear desperate. Maybe you are currently more practiced in noticing someone’s facial expressions and body language that says, “Hey… I’m interested in you, notice me”.
Theory 2 (for people you’ve known a while)
Before now, to them you were just some bachelor/wild woman that was not good enough or you were stuck in the “just friends” category……Then your old friend sees you in a happy relationship. Suddenly you’re being seen in a new light. Now you have become marriage type material. Your friend sees that you actually have manageable desires, that you are loving and attentive to this other person. Envy sets in as your friend begins to see what they’re missing out on and are now having thoughts like:
- “It could have been me”
- “Crap, he’s/she’s not a skank, this amazing person is family minded”
- “Look, he’s/she has a mind and likes to plan”
- “Wow, she’s/he’s not a gold digger/mooch and isn’t a psycho”
- “Damn I’m going to miss my buddy… uh oh, I think I love her/him”
- “Don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”.
- “I’ve never seen this side of her/him, where has this all been?”
- “Wow she/he does date!”
Theory 3 (for people you’ve attempted to date previously)
This is the person you used to be interested in. Seems the harder you tried to get them to like you, the less desirable you became. Always seemed as though this person you were willing to shower with love and give anything to was keeping their options open, hoping someone better would come along. So you give up and move on and never hear a word from them. As soon as they find out you’re with someone else…..BOOM! It’s “the one that got away” scenario.
Let’s not deny the fact that there is the random nut job that gets off on breaking up relationships for the sheer sport of it. Some of these egomaniacs just use you as a way of proving they’ve still got a hold on someone, just to feed their own ego. The ones that say, ”Oh I could so easily steal him/her away.” If, when attempting to get you back these conceited jerks fail, they will continue trying to earn your adoration. Each time in which their attempts are unsuccessful, their desire to obtain the prize of your affection increases. Next thing you know, Mr. /Ms. Cool is your stalker. It’s their fault for playing their game so deep and not wanting to accept they do not have a chance. To them a turn down is failure. This rejection means they are not as attractive or appealing to you, the person that once followed them and treated them like a rockstar. If they do not get rejected and you allow them to “win you”, this person will eventually dump you and move on to someone they would really want, or the next big challenge.
This is a very crucial time for your new relationship. Before, where you weren’t getting any attention, you’re now flooded with options of love, romance, flings, gifts and fun. You may start to ask yourself if you have just settled and can you do better? You may be tempted to break off your new relationship because you just met that person, but this other person you have a history with; this other person KNOWS you and has seen you at your worst. You may catch yourself thinking, “What if I regret not giving them a chance?” Don’t listen to this nonsense. Truly question their motivation “Why Now?” and see if any of these aforementioned theories apply. Keep in mind that the person you are with now was attracted to you when you were just you.